i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
