I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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