i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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