if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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