You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
jump out the window naked night went bad
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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