You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
