I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
