If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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