I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My ass is underappreciated
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
