Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
