you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
