I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
