my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
