First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
