A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
