He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
