i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
