Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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