I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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