Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we're chasing vodka with high fives
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
