The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
