watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
