Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
