A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
