You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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