I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
