you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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