I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just forgot I was standing up.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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