I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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