How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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