it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
