did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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