his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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