I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
