Im at strip club and am horny
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
