You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
