I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You're a waste of cheezeits
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
