Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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