kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
