scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
