Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
