Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
