Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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