How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
