can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
