i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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