you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
