i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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