I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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