a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
