Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
