good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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