She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
