The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
